Without discussing it with your spouse, take a moment and rate the level of your marriage.
_____Level One: Arguments happen, but we are committed to our marriage.
____Level Two: Quarrels are left unresolved and there is a lack of intimacy in our marriage.
____Level Three: In the midst of arguments, one or both of us threatens to separate or divorce.
____Level Four: At least one of us is seriously contemplating separation or divorce.
If you rated your marriage at level two or higher, your marriage is in crisis. If you rated it at a level one, are you certain your spouse would rate it the same?
We receive calls daily from distraught husbands and devastated wives whose spouses have announced they want out of the marriage. According to most of our callers, the announcement took them completely by surprise. We also receive calls from frustrated men or women who are unhappy in their marriages and want to attend couples counseling or seminars, but their spouse refuses to participate.
Regardless of the level of crisis in your marriage, there is hope. But first you must be willing to be honest with your spouse and to put a plan together. Here are 6 things that can help you do that:
1. Ask your spouse to rate your marriage and share your answers together. This will help to bring truth to your situation.
2. Ask your spouse if he or she sees anything in the marriage that needs to change in order to make it better. The key is to listen with the intent of putting a plan together and not to become defensive. Your spouse will only shut down if your conversation results in an argument.
3. Come up with at least one thing that you both agree should change and take steps to make it happen quickly. For instance, maybe you or your spouse admits that too much time is spent away from home and your schedules need to be rearranged. Issues such as finances, parenting, work schedules, time management, home repairs, and church attendance are among the most common topics couples realize need to change.
4. Ask your spouse if he or she would be willing to pray for your marriage. While praying out loud together is ideal, if this has not been a part of your daily pattern, your spouse may feel uncomfortable. If that is the case, consider holding hands and praying silently. Pray for wisdom, direction, a willing heart to make changes, and for help in loving and honoring one another. If you or your spouse do not want to pray together, pray alone–but pray. God love marriage and He hears our prayers.
5. Set aside time for fun in your marriage. This does not have to be expensive dates, but if you do not spend time having fun together, daily life can become hectic, boring and demanding and that takes a toll on marriage. It is worth it to have a date night, meet for lunch, go away overnight, or just go for a drive. We love to go to yard sales on the weekends and while we drive from one yard to another, we often end up with new creative ideas for our home. Anything that you and your spouse enjoy doing together such as a sport, hobby, or relaxation can be incorporated into a date day or evening.
6. Last, if your spouse is unwilling to participate in any of the above, you will want to reach out for help. Our ministry offers tools, books, phone and email support, and resources to help you persevere through this difficult time. Don’t hesitate to get the help you need.
